I had no idea what to write about this morning. Usually, I write my blog post for Monday the night before, but not last night. I was uninspired and frankly feeling “worded-out”.
Writing my blog post didn’t happen this morning, because I battled muscle spasms–related to my MS–in my back, and despite an anti-spasmatic med and muscle relaxer, they persisted, making my morning rather miserable.
Most every day I have issues with spasms now, and at times I dread waking up. Upon awakening I know I will have a couple hours of baby-sitting my back with medicine, stretches, heat packs, and relaxation to try to get my muscles back to a semi-normal state. It’s painful, exhausting, and sometimes frightening. There are days that I wonder how I am going to wake up and do it all over again the next day, but I do, because there’s nothing else to do but be courageous and move forward with time.
I’m crying as I write this, because today the shadow is greater than the light. I’ve come to the point in life that I don’t panic anymore when that happens. I give myself permission to be sad. Not every moment in life bursts with happiness. With sadness comes shadows, but in the shadow spaces we find definition, shading that brings depth, and dare I say, beauty.
Perhaps despite the sunshine and the smiles you find yourself sad, for whatever reason. It’s ok to be sad, but it’s not ok to let it consume you; that’s another life lesson I learned the hard way. Too much shadow and you can’t see what’s there, not enough and everything appears flat and one dimensional. I don’t want to live my life in either of these extremes but balanced somewhere in the middle, trusting that the shadows of today will paint a more beautiful picture tomorrow.