I had no idea what to write about this morning. Usually, I write my blog post for Monday the night before, but not last night. I was uninspired and frankly feeling “worded-out”.
Writing my blog post didn’t happen this morning, because I battled muscle spasms–related to my MS–in my back, and despite an anti-spasmatic med and muscle relaxer, they persisted, making my morning rather miserable.
Most every day I have issues with spasms now, and at times I dread waking up. Upon awakening I know I will have a couple hours of baby-sitting my back with medicine, stretches, heat packs, and relaxation to try to get my muscles back to a semi-normal state. It’s painful, exhausting, and sometimes frightening. There are days that I wonder how I am going to wake up and do it all over again the next day, but I do, because there’s nothing else to do but be courageous and move forward with time.
I’m crying as I write this, because today the shadow is greater than the light. I’ve come to the point in life that I don’t panic anymore when that happens. I give myself permission to be sad. Not every moment in life bursts with happiness. With sadness comes shadows, but in the shadow spaces we find definition, shading that brings depth, and dare I say, beauty.
Perhaps despite the sunshine and the smiles you find yourself sad, for whatever reason. It’s ok to be sad, but it’s not ok to let it consume you; that’s another life lesson I learned the hard way. Too much shadow and you can’t see what’s there, not enough and everything appears flat and one dimensional. I don’t want to live my life in either of these extremes but balanced somewhere in the middle, trusting that the shadows of today will paint a more beautiful picture tomorrow.
2 thoughts on “Shadow Spaces”
My heart felt pain for you when reading this. Even through pain you still somehow have a positive attitude. I know it’s important for you to have balance in your life when days aren’t the best. I can’t begin to understand what it’s like to have MS but I’ve learned some through your descriptive writing. May God continue to give you strength to carry forward and also for your family who I’m sure are concerned and feel inadequate to help.
Thanks so much, Ruth. I wonder sometimes whether I should be so transparent here, but that’s how we connect and learn from each other. And isn’t that what life is about? Thanks for being my friend along the way. 🙂