Periodically I get in a funk where what I do seems pointless to me and the effort of recording my inner dialogue a waste of time. However, that little word “seems” sticks out to me. It is a word of perception, of observational understanding, but things aren’t often how they seem. In fact, I have found more often the not the opposite to be true.
We humans are so apt at distorting things according to our feelings, but I put a stake in the ground years ago to not to live by my feelings. If I hadn’t, surely I would be somewhere entirely different in my life right now—-somewhere darker and less free.
I have to tell myself, “It does matter!” This thing called writing that I do. It is worth it if only for my own sanity. Should that not be of value in and of itself? I would like to hope so, but I have always fallen into the trap of producing, of creating something valuable to other people not just myself. God gently reminds me again my value has nothing to do with what I create or spit out on the page. His love makes me valuable, and that is the beginning and end of it.
I like to add quotes from writers contemporary to the time period at the start of my chapters in my novels. I used this quote from F. Scott Fitzgerald in one recently, “I love you and that’s the beginning and end of it all.” It was a sort of message from God to me this last week.
I’ve been encouraged during this particular phase through various means: a new book I purchased called, Love Letters to Writers, by Andi Cumbo-Floyd, a chat with my sister, some online connections with new writing friends, but mostly by the fact that I am loved by God, no matter what I produce or don’t produce.
Sometimes I feel a bit frantic because I don’t know what new disability lingers on the horizon with my MS. I feel like I must do everything I can before I can no longer do anything. I could wake up tomorrow and not be able to move, see, swallow, think properly, take care of myself and the list goes on . . . . But I remind myself again, none of our tomorrows are promised, and it is today that I must concern myself with.
I am determined therefore, to march on being the best and giving the best with what I can in each day I am given, and that will have to be enough.